Monday, September 25, 2006

drowning in neutral

Dreams freak me out.

I was on a beach, in a very desolate area, almost everything is of a neutral tone. The sand looks grey, the water a pale foamy nondescript color. I enter the water wearing scuba gear, and am pulled out from the shore. We are off the shore of an island, and I have trouble submerging. The water is a bit choppy, and I try to go under with my snorkel, but end up coughing and choking a bit on the sea water. It tastes thicker in my mouth, almost a bloodlike viscosity. I spit it out, and remember to clear it with my regulator, as I switch to breath through it. I have about 3 breaths of air before I am sucking at nothing. I remember how cold the water was, and the feel of the rubber against my lips. I keep trying to clear my mask, and I can't see anything. I open the bottom to let the cold water in, hoping that will de-fog it, but to no avail. I realize that my tank had been prepped, and then the air valve had been closed again. I noticed that all the people around me (maybe 4) had their heads in the water, and seemed to be heading in the same direction. I blindly followed, but was concerned, because I didn't think we were heading the right way and I couldn't breathe. I finally caught up to a girl, her hair was short and blonde, and her ear was half-covered with water. I began calling to her, to help open my valve. I thought about doing it myself, but would have had to take the vest off. Plus, I was already having difficulty keeping bouyant, with no air in my vest and fighting the current that was pulling us further out. I watched her ear the entire time I called to her, mesmerized and terrified by the water, which was keeping me from breathing, as it covered her ear with each wave. She didn't hear me until the third call for help, and when the valve opened, I immediately lifted a bit out of the water as my vest filled. I had this calm over me throughout the whole experience. I was really scared, but its like my body refused to convey it. I was moving mechanically, felt out of myself.

The dive was over, I had spent all my time trying to breathe/etc. Everyone still seemed to be heading the wrong way, though. I began to panic, and finally got oriented. I walked out of the water with some difficulty, and dropped my gear on the shore. There was still no color anywhere. I felt drained. I felt like the landscape around me had lost all its life, and felt like the air I so desperately needed in the water was taken away from me again. On dry land, I couldn't breathe. No sun, no color, no life, no air. I felt the sand, I could still feel, but it just felt empty running through my fingers.

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